Getting yourself out of an abusive relationship is not easy. When domestic and family violence is reported in the media, one of the most typical responses from commenters is “why didn’t they just leave?”. If only it was that simple. Not only is ending any relationship difficult, digging yourself out from under the weight of ongoing abuse is even harder.
Not only are you trying to end a relationship, you’re trying to do it under the threat of physical abuse and psychological torment, as well as possible social isolation and serious financial constraints. Getting yourself out of a dangerous relationship has many hurdles to overcome, both personal and situational.
You may be holding out hope that they will change and that their behaviour is an aberration, not the norm. You may blame yourself for the abuse, finding it easier to believe that you have done something wrong to warrant the treatment rather than acknowledge that the person you fell in love with is cruel. You may be embarrassed to leave after you’ve stayed for so long already.
Whatever the cause for your hesitation, the only thing that matters is your safety, so you can’t allow yourself to become trapped by your own confusion, doubt, guilt or self-recrimination. If you are living in an abusive relationship it is important that you remember that:
- It is not your fault. No matter what you feel or what your partner tells you, it is not your fault that you are being mistreated. The blame lies on their shoulders, not yours.
- You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
- You deserve to be safe and happy.
- Your children deserve to be safe and happy.
- You can ask for help. There are people ready to help you leave and get safe.
Recognising You Are In An Abusive Relationship
Before you can make a plan to leave, you first need to recognise that you are in an abusive relationship. While this may sound obvious, it’s not always easy for someone in an abusive relationship to recognise or accept the fact. Abuse isn’t limited to physical violence, sexual violence threats and intimidation - it can be much more subtle. Emotional and financial abuse can be more difficult to recognise and in many respects can have a longer lasting impact than physical abuse.
Physical abuse may be easy to spot, but the signs of emotional or financial abuse may be much easier to overlook, or even accept as a quirk of your partner. Key signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include:
- Threats - your partner makes threats against you or your loved ones. They will often yell or sulk about your “behaviour”, gaslight you into believing that you have caused a problem and destroy valued possession in lieu of actual physical violence.
- Verbal Abuse - your partner verbally abuses you in private or public settings in a manner intended to denigrate, humiliate, demean, gaslight or intimidate you. They blame you for their outbursts and may suggest that they are the only person who could possibly put up with you. They may compare you to others in a manner they believe shows your shortcomings, or may constantly disparage your capabilities, mental health, appearance or intelligence.
- Jealousy and Possessiveness - your partner may accuse you of being unfaithful or of constantly flirting with other people. They may constantly check up on you to see where you are and who you are with or may act rudely or aggressively to your family or friends.
- Economic Abuse - your partner may control access to money, basic necessities, resources or medical treatment. They may control income through bank accounts, denying you employment or sabotaging your job in some way so as to make you entirely reliant on them.
- Social Isolation - your partner controls all of your socialisation, such as cutting off contact to friends and family, controlling or denying any finances or resources (such as access to a car) that may be needed for socialisation. They may also seek to demonise others to drive a wedge in existing social relationships or alternatively demonise you to your friends and family to cause distance between you and make them appear to be the innocent party in the eyes of your peers.
- Deprivation of Liberty - your partner keeps you socially or physically isolated, through physical restraint, threat or emotional manipulation.
- Creation of Dependency - your partner has created an environment of dependency, so that you cannot do anything without them. This may take the form of requiring permission to do anything, withholding necessities such as food, warmth or medication until specific criteria have been met (such as asking politely or having to perform duties to “earn” the necessity), or creating situations in which you must depend on your partner to resolve the problem.
If you recognise that you are in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, you also need to recognise that staying in that situation will not make things better. You may believe that your partner’s actions are an aberration, or that you can somehow fix them, that they love you, that you’re unworthy of better treatment or that you may be at fault for the abuse. None of those thoughts are true.
Abuse is never your fault, and your abuser has most likely put those negative or harmful thoughts in your head in the first place. Even if it’s the first time that your partner has been physically violent towards you, that doesn’t mean that the event will be a one-off. People who engage in violence are likely to do the same again .
Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship
If you have been physically or sexually abused, the first thing you should do is call the police, but this may not always be possible, especially if your partner controls access to information or amenities. If you are unable to seek direct help, there are a number of things you can do to keep yourself safe as you look for a chance to leave or contact the authorities, such as:
- Identify Red Flags - you’ve undoubtedly come to know the major red flags that herald abuse or violence in your relationship. While it may not be possible to avoid situations or triggers for abuse, you may be able to notice the warning signs of a flare-up. If you are able to leave the house, having a list of good excuses to get out of the house at a moment’s notice, any time of the day or night may be able to get you out of danger before it kicks off.
- Find Safe Areas - identifying the safe areas in your house that you can either flee to or navigate t during an argument may be able to save you from injury. It’s best to avoid small spaces, such as bathrooms or cupboards with only one exit, or rooms with readily available weapons, such as a garage or kitchen.
A preferable area to escape to is a room with either a door or window to the outside, or a phone or some other form of communication device, such as an internet connected computer or tablet.
- Develop a Code Word - having a code word allows you to warn your children, friends, co-workers or family that you are in danger and that they should contact the police on your behalf.
- Be Ready to Leave - if you have access to a car, make sure that it is fuelled and facing the road so you can get in and drive off quickly if needed. Having emergency money, spare clothes, supplies, and any contact numbers or paperwork you may need hidden, but accessible, means that you will be able to grab everything you may need on the way out the door.
- Practice - when you have the opportunity, practice your escape so it becomes instinctual when you are in danger. If you have children, have them practice the escape as well.
Protecting Your Privacy
Protecting your privacy, whilst you’re still in an abusive relationship as well as after you have left is an important consideration. Many abusers monitor their partner’s activities, either through simple proximity, or via technological measures, such as apps that can track the usage of or location of your mobile phone, or monitor computer or Internet usage.
If you’re reaching out for help, or researching shelters and other services that could help get you out of your situation, you need to protect your privacy to ensure you won’t face any repercussions.
- Change User Names and Passwords - cycle the usernames and passwords for your social media, bank and email accounts to minimise the chances of your partner being able to read your email or messages, or restrict access to your credit cards and bank account.
- Use a Burner, Public or Neighbour’s Phone - if possible, make any calls to help lines, the police or shelters using a phone that your partner will be unlikely to monitor, such as a neighbour’s phone, a public phone or a cheap, pre-paid mobile phone.
- Only Use Safe Computers - if possible only use computers outside your home when it comes to research or trying to contact people for help. A work computer, Internet cafe or library makes your searching much safer than trying to do it at home then erasing the browser history.
- Check Your Phone Settings - check your phone for any apps that may monitor your Internet usage, location or allow a third party to monitor your calls and messages. Resetting your phone to factory settings may clear these apps, but it may be safer to leave the phone behind then you leave to ensure that your location cannot be tracked using it.
Remember You’re Not Alone
Although it may feel like you’re all alone, know that there are people out there ready and able to help you get out of your situation. A number of resources are available to offer advice, counselling or help in each state or territory:
National
Police and Ambulance - 000
If you are able, calling the police should be your first response if you have experienced domestic violence or abuse.
1800Respect - The National Sexual Assault, Family and Domestic Violence Counselling Line
A free and confidential counselling service for anyone who is experiencing or has experienced sexual assault or domestic violence.
Phone: 1800RESPECT, or 1800 737 732
A national charity that provides all Australians access to 24 hour crisis support (including trauma and domestic violence) and suicide prevention services.
Phone: 13 11 14
A free, 24/7 phone, email or web counselling service for young people aged 5-25 years.
Phone: 1800 551 800
Email: admin@kidshelpline.com.au (for information), counsellor@kidshelpline.com.au (for counselling support)
Information, assistance and counselling for me who are perpetrators of domestic violence.Phone: 1300 766 491
24/7 online, video or phone support and counselling for men and boys who have experienced or perpetrated family or domestic violence.
Phone: 1300 78 99 78
ACT Domestic Violence Crisis Service (DVCS) 24/7 Crisis intervention, legal support, advocacy, and support groups for people experiencing or who have experienced domestic violence.
Phone: (02) 6280 0900
Female counsellors who can help you contact police, get medical care, obtain an Apprehended Violence Order (AVO), develop a safety plan or find emergency accommodation available 24/7.
Phone: 1800 656 463
West Connect Domestic Violence Services
Support, services and accommodation options for women and children in the Western Sydney area experiencing or escaping family or domestic violence..
Phone: (02) 4732 2318
24/7 NSW-wide support for those experiencing or at risk of homelessness.
Phone: 1800 152 152
NT
Crisis accommodation and counselling services. Shelter staff can provide additional support services including advocacy, referrals to other services or groups, legal support and more.
Phone: Phone: (08) 8945 1388, 8 am – 4 pm, Monday–Friday
QLD
Free telephone crisis counselling, safety planning, and referrals to crisis accommodation available 24/7. Translation services available for people who don’t speak English.
Phone: 1800 811 811
SA
Services vary depending on area but include a crisis phone line and services catering to Indigenous and migrant women and children escaping violent situations. Check the website for services available in your location.
Phone: 1300 782 200
TAS
Family Violence Response Referral line
The referral line provides access to emergency services, court and legal services, counselling, the offender program, and more, 24/7.
Phone: 1800 633 937
VIC
Safe Steps Family Violence Response Center
24/7 telephone support, courtroom and legal support services, trauma counselling, and numerous other services for women and children who have experienced domestic violence.
Phone: 1800 015 188, or (03) 9322 3555
WA
Women’s Domestic Violence Helpline
24/7 support and counselling for women experiencing domestic violence, including phone counselling, local support service referrals, and support in escaping domestic violence.
Phone: 1800 007 339, or (08) 9223 1188